Long-term love
A guide for making your visit with loved ones in a nursing home a pleasant one
By Tobi Schwartz-Cassell ’78

hen I was a little girl, my parents would take my sister and me to a nursing home to visit our ‘Bubbie’ (grandmother). It was a scary place. The people who lived there were sick and not at all happy and it didn’t smell very good. Not only that, it was boring—for me and for my Bubbie.

Fast forward 30 years and I’m offered a contract to write a book about long-term care (LTC)—specifically, nursing homes and assisted-living facilities. I hadn’t stepped foot in one since last visiting my grandmother.

Two years later, I find myself in a nursing home once again, but this time to visit my own beautiful mother—my children’s Bubbie. The facility was worlds better than the one my grandmother lived in, but no less boring.

According to the AARP, in 2001 there were nearly 1.5 million people in nursing facilities throughout the United States. Chances are you’re related to or know an LTC resident. If so, you know that most of them crave a visit from a friend or relative, but often, visitors are few and far between. After all, who really wants to go somewhere they expect to be depressing and boring? But it is possible to make these visits less depressing, less boring and—believe it or not—very rewarding.

Even a severely cognitively-impaired person can enjoy some activities to some degree. It is truly amazing to see someone unable to utter a sentence, soon perk up and smile. It is possible and it isn’t difficult. It’s just a matter of introducing some simple activities that promote mental stimulation. You’ve heard the expression before: use it or lose it. So instead of dwelling on what your loved one has lost, help him or her to hold on to what remains. Here are some practical ways to do it.

Bring things
Bring a deck of cards, or photographs, either old or new. Bring a comedy album and a tape or CD player to play it on. When we visit my father-in-law (who was blinded by a stroke) we bring things that he can taste and smell. Sometimes we bring his favorite chocolate-coated cookies. Occasionally we bring soap to him that a dear friend crafted—it smells like his beloved Key Lime Pie—and it’s guaranteed to make him smile.

Pet visits
A well-behaved pet is even better than a deck of cards. Just be sure that he or she is on a leash, doesn’t have a history of biting and is fully vaccinated. It’s also important to check with the facility for its pet policy.
When we used to bring my mom’s ‘grand-dogs’ for a visit, she wasn’t the only one who was delighted to see them. Many of the other residents would warmly remember the love they shared with their own pets in the past. The memories evoked were bittersweet, but decidedly sweeter.

Aromatherapy
Bring essential oils. You may find some to be beneficial to your loved one. Sniffing a tissue sprinkled with a few drops of lavender or orange oil can be very calming. A whiff of marjoram oil has been known to alleviate insomnia.

Bring music
Even the most cognitively impaired person can enjoy it. In some cases, those who are unable to speak are able to sing a little bit.

Be a reporter
Ask questions of your loved one. Chances are, you don’t know everything about him or her. And even if you do, act like you don’t. People love talking about themselves. For example, ask your aunt who her best friend was when she was in elementary school and why they got along so well. Have your grandfather tell how he asked your grandmother to marry him.

Ask about their areas of expertise
When I visit my father-in-law, I ask him about aspects of what he did for a living. It doesn’t matter that his explanations of his work as a nuclear engineer are way beyond my scope of comprehension. What’s important is that the topic makes him happy.

When I visited my Mom, I feigned ignorance about some of her best recipes and asked her to recite them to me. I never minded that the ingredient proportions were way off, because it was pure pleasure for both of us when we shared kitchen secrets from my childhood.

Talk about anything and everything
Bring up the most mundane thing that’s going on in your life. It’s very likely that it’s still more exciting than what’s happening in the resident’s life. Anything is fodder for a good conversation. Talk about what your kids are doing, both in school and after school. Talk about work. Talk about the class you’re taking or even the price of tomatoes at the supermarket. To someone whose only daily conversation partner is the R.N. administering the morning medications, practically anything is interesting. Keep it light, though. You probably shouldn’t start a sentence with, “Hey Aunt Bess, you know who just died?”

Group conversation
Many times when you visit, your loved one will be in a day room with other residents. These folks are just as interested in sharing conversation. Welcome them into your tête-à-tête and you’ll be giving them a cherished gift. Try to engage residents at or near the cognitive level of your loved one to maximize the experience for all of you.

Ask them what they did before retirement or where they’re from. Ask if they have children or grandchildren (this question will almost always spark a conversation). How old are the kids? Where do they live? What are their hobbies? There could be an added benefit—the person you included might have a common bond with your loved one and their conversation could continue even after you leave.

Reminiscence
Many residents in nursing homes and assisted-living facilities suffer from short-term memory loss but few of them suffer from long-term memory loss and that is a blessing.

Though there are companies that produce “reminiscence kits” for use in LTC facilities, you can easily create one yourself and customize it for your loved one. Just bring in or talk about anything from the past. Peruse magazines or surf the net for photos of old products, TV shows, fashions, religious and political figures. Talk about news stories from the past. Sing some old songs—even retro TV and radio commercials will do. The trick is to dislodge the memories that are stuck and you’ll be amazed at the onslaught of conversation that ensues.

It doesn’t much matter what you bring or do or say when you visit someone you love in an LTC facility. I know from experience that these suggestions will work and that your visits may inspire new ideas. The goal is to maintain your relationship—or build one—and help your loved one or friend maintain existing brain function by playing games, reliving memories or whatever best engages him or her. If you make just a little effort, you and your loved one will be enriched beyond the limits any disability or LTC facility may appear to present.

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Tobi Schwartz-Cassell is co-author of Adding Value to Long-Term Care (Jossey-Bass, 2000) and has written articles for long-term care trade journals. She spent a combined 20 years doing news at Philadelphia radio stations WWDB and WPEN and is the owner of The Word Source, LLC, which produces content for brochures, newsletters, press releases and websites.